I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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