six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
