I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
