hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize