So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize