Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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