Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
