she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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