There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
