Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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