I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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