He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
