My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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