Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
