Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
