I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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