perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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