girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
