would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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