i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
