new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Watching her eat just hurts me
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
