I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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