I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
