The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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