I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
