i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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