I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Randomize
