I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
