oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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