I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
