I smell stomach acid.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
