I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
