I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
