I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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