I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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