Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
