I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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