yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
