so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
