I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
