I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
should my penis look like a turkey
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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