see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize