your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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