If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My feet surprised me
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