My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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