I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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