i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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