So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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