apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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