Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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