If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
