The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
