the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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