Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize