barbara walters just said penis...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
