i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sorry my hands just texted you
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
