my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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