So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
