It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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