when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
