She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
